There's a missing piece to this. I'm going to use the term neurotypical (NT) here, because allistic ADHDers typically use the self-story response, too, so we're the same in that way.

- if you know (cognitive empathy) that NTs want to experience expressions of sympathy and affirmation/validation rather than to hear about our experiences;

- you have affective empathy for the situation they are in right now;

- you have sympathy because you think, "wow, I wish things were better for you"

then you know the appropriate response is to just say, "That's a crappy situation. I'm sorry you are going through this."

Yes, it's really hard to do. I catch myself telling stories all the time!

You're totally right about the empathy-goes-both-ways things, though.